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You guys know me. You know I do all my research.. I have tons of sites I visit, RSS feeds, CNN articles everything I can learn about Autism I do.
And still.. I am completely at a loss. Mikey has gotten into this phase where he talks about killing himself.. or someone killing him. He wants to die. He wants to find a gun. I HATE saying this but I have to get it out because I do NOT know what to do.
He says he hates his face. After further questioning apparently it has to do with Jason teasing him. (at least that he can recall). Jason has always teased, he teases them both and for Jason it's like "I tease you because I love you".
But Mikey doesn't get it. He used to be ok with teasing and wrestling. Now he hates it. He loves Jason but he is always complaining that 'Daddy is too rough, Daddy doesn't like my face, Daddy is too much for me'.. it hurts Jason alot because Jason adores him. And he can't understand what to do to get closer to Mikey. He wants to spend time with him, do things as a father and son but Mikey doesn't do the 'normal' things. And Jason is having trouble connecting with him on another level.
I got called by his teacher a few weeks ago. I cried for almost an hour after. They had to legally ask me if we had guns in the house due to what Mikey was saying. We don't but honestly, I barely held back tears on the phone as they described to me everything going on. I had to go in the morning, sign paperwork, and they handed me a paper that dealt with therapy.. family and single.. to help with things.
Guys, I am at a loss. I watch him, my amazing, super smart adorable Mikey cry about how he hates himself and I wanna cry with him. WHY?? What did we do? All I ever do is tell him how smart he is.. smart enough so that I can't even help him sometimes. I hug and kiss him all the time.. I do everything I can to be there for him, talk to him (even if its on Yahoo....) I mean...he's SEVEN.. Seven year olds don't hate themselves do they???
I have talked to one or two people.. one says his daughter (now 13) was like that from about 5 on.. shes not autistic, its just how she was. He is hoping she had cleared that hurdle but he understands how hard it is too.
And for my parents.. I am sorry :( You guys know what I mean.
So I am seriously thinking now about some therapy for him (and us as a family). I don't know the cost, don't know how that covers thru insurance or FSA but I can't stand another day of my baby saying he wants to die. I want him to love himself and be happy. Whatever the cost.
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5 comments:
Sounds like therapy might be the best, it will help you be able to deal with this and to help Mikey though the rough times. Sometimes we all need someone who is not close to us to help us look at things differently and to advise us on how we can help the situation.
Please tell Mikey how much GrandDad and Grandma Cindy love him.
Honey, I know this is SO difficult. You're not a failure as a parent, though it's hard to not think otherwise when your child is hurting. And I empathize with Jason, for reasons you know well. Cindy and I are here for all of you and will do everything we can to help. In fact, Cindy has an idea based on something she read that might be worth looking into. We'll share it with you later.
In the meantime, know that we love all of you and want to be whatever help we can be.
Dad
You are in my thoughts and prayers that you find the answers you need. My heart breaks for you, sister-in-spirit.
AM, I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I understand how frustrated you must feel.
Therapy does sound like a good option, and it certainly doesn't mean you are/or have failed in any way.
It's almost like people who take care of their ailing parents for years and years and feel bad when they finally have to ask for homecare assistance. Sometimes you just can't take everything on yourself, day after day.
Good luck with everything.
Ann Marie, we are sorry to read that Mikey isn't happy with himself. After an entire career of helping children, Sharon just has to tell you that public school is not always the answer for all children. It appears that Mikey might be one of those. She imagines that too much time is lost in the classroom on things that he doesn't have any interest in. Do you have friends who are in a coop home school? He needs a class of no more than five students, she feels. Check around your neighborhood or church. You are in our prayers.
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